Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
