Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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