She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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