I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
