Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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