This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
