I faked an abortion last night.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
They took my balls.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
