Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
