it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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