I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
