I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
