if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
