at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Randomize
