He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
