put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
