i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
