Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
