I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
