Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
