If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
