At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
