I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
So vagazzling was a success
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
