operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
