textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
