I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
Randomize
