I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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