the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
