Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
well, you know. whores of a feather.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
