It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
