Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
