gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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