yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
