I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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