omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
