He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
