I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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