a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
