I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
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