I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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