cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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