my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
