I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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