I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I understand Curling. That high.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
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If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize