the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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