I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
