I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
