so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
