he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
