I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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