I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
