Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
