Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
