I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Randomize
