Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Randomize
