THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
