The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
