Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
